• Jonathan Shuerger

What You Didn't Know About the Home Uses of Voodoo in a Pandemic

Far too many people discount the possible uses of the dark arts when in the middle of the pandemic. These are just a few suggestions that can help you get started on your route into the arcane.


Are you having relationship issues with your girlfriend over Skype? Go and take out your trusty voodoo doll that you've made with corn husks and a piece of her hair and give her a marvelous foot rub that she just was not expecting.

She in the middle of a horrible remote meeting and need some distraction or or stress taken out of her muscles? Give her a deep tissue massage long-distance from the comfort of your own home.

Free Hugs

You know, it's difficult to love on your grandparents and her parents when they're locked inside for fear of COVID–19. Nothing would perk them up more than the ghostly arms of their loved ones gently squeezing them through the smart application of the dark arts.

Help Staying Awake

We all have that narcoleptic friend who just cannot stop falling asleep, or that employee that looks like they're head-smashing to death metal at work.

If they're still having issues, go ahead, snip off a lock of their hair, insert it into a cornhusk doll and start jammin pens in their legs. Or, even better, pour some coffee into the mouth of the doll. This will ensure that they get the life-giving caffeine that they require in order to stay productive and happy.

The Medical Field

Worried about cross infection vectors in the hospital or in your place of work? Make a personalized voodoo doll for each of your patients and you can administer medication without fear of contaminating yourself or other patients. Added bonus: you don't have to interact with them or their families!

Nurses, is a patient having a heart attack at 6:47 while you're desperately charting so you can go home? With voodoo, you don't even have to leave your chair! Jam an EpiPen into their assigned voodoo doll and watch life find a way as you get work done and home on time.

Self Care

Did you know that you can use the benefits of voodoo for yourself and ensure that you are achieving maximum gains while also keeping your time free for other productive activities?

For instance, you could take the Flabulator-Z6, strap it on to your voodoo doll and watch eight pack abs happen in a week with absolutely no investment in time from you!

Is your boss working you to death and you just cannot find the time to get to the gym? While you're on that interminable remote meeting that should be an email, just take your own personalized voodoo doll and do some ab-reps with it off-camera out of sight, and watch the wonders happen. Also doubles as a stress-ball.

Guilt-free Stress Eating

If it works in one direction, it should be able to go the other way around.

For instance, you're trying to deal with the stress of the day, but you're struggling to deal with your diet which seems to be keeping you from happiness. No worries, when you have your own voodoo doll, you can relax back on the couch, eat a package of Oreos and watch the diabetes flow through your psychic link to your voodoo doll!

Warning: your voodoo doll may increase in size or require regular insulin shots.


Is Chem 202 destroying your ability to process basic information? No problem! Just jam a headset onto your voodoo doll, and feel the knowledge flow into your brain as you sit back on the couch and do another run-through of Doom: Eternal.

Those are just some of the ways that you can use voodoo dolls to your benefit in your own home! If you have ideas of your own, share the wealth and put them into the comments.