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  • Jonathan Shuerger

How Your Drill Instructor Would Handle COVID-19


Good morning, maggots.


Oh, okay, now scream!


You may have heard with your disgusting ears that a disease is sweeping the United States of America. It is infecting the unwashed masses, and Chesty be praised, they sent you to me. Well, I don't want the nasty microbes in your disgusting nostrils spraying all over this squad bay, so ears!


Stop Touching Your Disgusting Face


I don't know why I have to keep saying this one obvious fact. You will not take your nasty fingers and push them up all over your warty face. You are no doubt jamming them where the sun don't shine in some kind of freaky recruit stress relief. Keep them out of your face. Say aye, sir.


Scream!


Social Distancing


You will remain six feet from the recruit to your side, front and back at all times. As that will not be possible, you will hold your breath. Do it now. Say aye, sir.


Hard Surface Cleaning


This virus survives on hard surfaces for days. Fortunately, you leopard turds scrub this squad bay down with bleach and ammonia every morning. This treatment is barely enough to allow us to survive the diseases gestating in your fat disgusting meat sacks. You pigs disgust me. We will now field day three times a day.


Why are you not doing it now?


Do it now!


Scream!


Hand Washing


There are ninety globular vaguely humanoid maggots sitting left-hand-left-knee, right-hand-right-knee on this deck. There are eight sinks.


You will therefore strip to your birthday suit upon command and wagon-wheel through the shower room. You will wear shower shoes and douse your body in hand sanitizer. You will purchase two bottles of hand sanitizer from the recruit PX, and donate them out of the goodness of your disgusting cholesterol-clogged hearts.


This concludes this morning's instruction period. You will now form up outside, where we will march double-time to the nearest sand-pit and smoke the virus out of your disgusting bodies. You will bathe yourselves with the sand that has touched the bodies of thousands of other disgusting recruits. I hope you all get the virus and die before you graduate and infect my beloved Corps with your weakness.


Scream.

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