• Jonathan Shuerger

How to Tell if Your Wife is Trying to Kill You (Humor)

Co-authored with Amanda Shuerger

I've had this niggling suspicion for a while now. It's niggled, and it's niggled, and no matter what I do, it niggles me still.

My wife is trying to kill me.

The Signs

#1 She Married You.

The first sign that your wife is trying to kill you is that you are married.

Paranoia? I think not. How can your wife kill you if you're not married? Answer me that.

Also, if women make better decisions than men, then what's she doing with you? I know me. I ain't nothing great. She trying to off me.

#2 Experimental Diet Plans

And they're never anything appetizing, either. See, I got a theory. God made our bodies and our senses crave things that are good for us, right? Anyone ever had a hankering for a delicious kale smoothie? NO! All that fat disappearing from your body is your body burning its reserves in an attempt to not die!

"Oh, it'll make you feel like a whole new man!"

You know why she's saying that, right? Cuz she wants a whole new man! Read the signs, people! It doesn't take a genius to read between the lines on that!

#3 She Says She's Fine.

She is not fine. I repeat, she is not fine. Abandon ship. Run the other way.

Women do not use the word fine. They only use it when the situation calls for ambiguity of consequences. They don't know what they're going to do to you, but they're going to do it. And you're going to pay the whole time she's thinking about it.

#4 She Blocks Happiness

Can I just ask a question here?

What design genius made that plastic wrap on an Oreo tray sound like Nagasaki taking the People's Elbow to the face? Every time I open that thing, Obi-wan Kenobi has to take a seat because of the disruption in the Force.

I'll crack that puppy open and sure enough, the first thing I hear is my wife's voice.


Yes, really! If I desire a delicious confection made of processed sugar, pure crack and joy to get me through the soul-sucking rat race I have to run to feed this family, then I'm going to have it!

#5 She Keeps Pushing Me to Diabetes

This is a combination of #2 and #4, I think. She pulls one way, so I overcompensate the other way, just so I feel like a real man.

"Hon, you should think about eating this celery stick."

Girl, no unclean thang shall touch my lips. Imma cram two jumbo Twinkies in my face while maintaining eye contact, just to maintain dominance.

I could probably afford more Oreos if I didn't have to buy all this insulin, though...

#6 She Keeps Changing Recipes


Why you gotta mess with chocolate chip cookies? I'm not eating them to be healthy!

"Oh, we can switch out butter for coconut oil. They're basically the same thing."

No! If they were basically the same thing, they would be the same thing! I want my cookies to taste like butter, because that's how cookies supposed to taste!

And how do you milk an almond, huh? How? And why? What fool had a drink of delicious milk, looked at an almond and said, "Mmm, I bet they's some milk in there!"

And then he marketed it to women, because they have in their minds that if it tastes like absolute crap, it's gotta be good for you!

I had a sip of one of my wife's raspberry-cranfizz La Croix, kay? It tasted like somebody ate a raspberry, then burped it back into mineral water. It was nasty! I felt like sucking on the tailpipe of a car made in China and shipped through Italy just to get the taste out of my mouth.


Men, they're trying to kill us. They send us out into the world to work 40, 50, 60 hour weeks, then when we come home, we gotta "engage" with the kids. Man, they're wearing you down. They're trying to psychologically break you.

What about when they think somebody's in the house? Who are they sending? I tell you right now, my wife is shoving me out of the bed to go fight some armed intruder in my underwear. What am I going to do, seduce him with my hairy legs and Oreo belly?

I'm going to die, is what I'm going to do, and then she's going to cash in on my life insurance policy and some little GoFundMe widow-of-a-Marine thing, and then she's going to go grieve on a beach in Tahiti.

You been warned.

If your wife trying to kill you, put it in the comments below and save a life.