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  • Jonathan Shuerger

A Letter to My Constituents


It has come to my attention that certain parts of this body seem to be falling a little behind lately, so this message is being routed to all departments in an attempt to rectify the issues that are assailing us as a whole.


Remember, we are a team. We're all in this together, and we should reflect on the fact that the when one falls behind, we all have to take up that slack.


To the Back


It has come to our attention that you appear to be seizing up when in fact you should be bearing burdens that are pretty reasonable for a 34-year-old male.


You seem to require larger amounts of medication than any other area of the body, and more experimental herbal remedies then your fellows.


We would appreciate it if you would stop hurting the rest of the body with your continued complaints, and begin picking up the load you once carried to the same degree of efficiency and without the agonizing pain or expensive medications.


To the Joints


Research has shown that cartilage should not crunch.


Management would highly appreciate it if when lifting oneself off the couch, it would not sound like the creaking of the wooden hulls of the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Maria going through a gale off the coast of Central America.


Management would also appreciate it if the joints would not simulate the feeling of broken glass being mixed with gravel and shoved between our bones.


To the Metabolism


Why'd you give up, bro? We were doing fine until about 26, when you just gave up.


The rest of the body is struggling to catch up with the added weight when you decided to throw your hands up into the air and drop out of the race. Habits were formed when your department operated at peak efficiency, and frankly, it would just be easier all around if you would get back up to speed.


To the Mind


To be quite honest, we forgot what it was we were going to say.


Oh, yeah.


It would be nice to go into a room, and know exactly why we were there the first time. This constant back and forth is highly inefficient, and is not doing wonders for employee morale.


We're 34. Early onset Alzheimer's is not a thing.


To the Heart


You're doing great, champ. You keep right on doing the Lord's work.


Hang in there, the cholesterol intake is not going to be dying down anytime soon. Also, we're going to need overtime. Snacking habits are not getting better.


Healing Ability


We are not sure exactly which part of the body is responsible for this function, but it would be highly appreciated if the wait times for full recovery would not take seven business days.


Management does feel it necessary to apologize for the activities taken with the church youth group. Perhaps it was unwise on our part to participate in the Ultimate Frisbee competition with teenagers 30 years our junior. It should have been fine. We were great at ultimate frisbee in our day.


Anyways, we are not sure why this process is taking so long. Please rectify swiftly.


Thanks to all for your consideration. Please do not respond to this email. A comprehensive review shall be undertaken in one calendar month. We will evaluate at that time which view should be replaced.


Knees, we're looking at you.

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