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  • Jonathan Shuerger

19 Ways You Can Fight the Coronavirus (Humor)

Updated: Mar 15


With the world panicking about COVID-19, it's time to put into play some commonsense solutions to save our way of life.


1. Tell it you're single and looking for commitment.

Nothing will send those microbes scurrying away faster than the crushing realization that you'll never let them go. Ever.


2. Drape yourself in TP and walk confidently toward the Coronavirus, screaming and waving your arms.

Old One-eyed Quadriplegic Joe told me this works on bears. It was hard to understand him through the feeding tubes, but I believe him.


3. Boycott all Italian and Chinese restaurants.

Sure, the actual outbreak of the virus was multiple thousands of miles away, but you know they did something janky, right?


4. Avoid cheap Mexican beer.

This has nothing to do with COVID-19.


5. Wash not just your hands, but your feet and head also.

Peter had the right idea. Baptize yourself not just with water, but fire, too. Can't hurt to be too careful, right?


6. Hide under a trusted blankie.

It's stood the test of time against monsters and robbers, unless you're one of those people that has to have a foot outside the blankie. Then you're a goner.


7. Stand motionless in a crowd.

It's worked for Waldo all these years. Besides, the virus can't see you if you don't move.


8. Declare your mom's basement a COVID-19-free zone.

Statistically, this works.


9. Leak that the virus has information leading to Hillary Clinton's arrest.

The problem will take care of itself.


10. Just play D&D with your friends until this blows over.

It'd take a week just to get through Kimberly's non-binary tiefling's background story. Besides, your group has impeccable hygiene, right?


11. "Self-isolate"

No, Gary, I just think it would be too much of a risk to take to come into work today. Yes, I saw the CEO's memo. Yes, I know we're a bleach factory. I'm trying to be responsible here. Cough, cough.


12. Sell it essential oils.

I paid for my vacation with--where you going? Okay, I'll text you!


13. Have a COVID-19 party.

Wait, Trudy's kids have it? Come on, kids, get in the van! We're all going to get immune today!


14. Deny Coronavirus its 1st Amendment rights.

Speech is violence, people.


15. Shoot it.

You know what Wuhan and Italy don't got? MURKA!


16. Have an open conversation with Coronavirus and just share.

We're all here to be heard, Brad. Take the face mask off. You can't hear COVID-19's side of things with that barrier between you.


17. Eradicate all human life.

Maybe we're the bad guys here, you know?


18. Evolve.

It's a catalyst, man! We're just transitioning to the next stage, yo!


19. Build the wall.

It's 2020. We have Netflix, Doordash and so much double-ply TP the virus will be smothered before it can get in here.


So there you are; 19 solutions to save you from COVID-19. You should absolutely follow all of these. Mhm.


Anyone got any more they’d like to share?

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